Theraplay: Tools for the Connection Dance
Written by: Michelle Hooks
February 16, 2024
A six-year-old boy and his dad sit cross-legged, facing each other. Eyes locked. Grinning ear to ear. The boy races to put his lotion-covered hands in his dad’s equally slippery hands. “I’ll hold on tighter this time!” the boys giggles. Squeals and mischievous laughs bubble out as the dad falls backwards again. The boy looks from his dad to the therapist and laughs some more, wiggling with delight. “Again! Again!” he begs. The dad laughs and takes his boy’s hands again. “Two more times,” the dad says with a grin. And the game continues. The dad sees his boy’s enjoyment, anticipates his boy’s next moves and is there. The boy becomes carefree and knows his dad is going to be fun and safe to be with no matter what.
Relationship and connection are the heartbeat of Theraplay. Regardless of age, most kids and adults want someone to share their hurts and happy moments with. Theraplay therapists create a space where your child can learn that you are a safe, trustworthy parent, and in this space, you can discover the ways your child is able to receive your love and direction in that moment. In Theraplay, this happens by having fun! Research has shown us that adults and children learn best through games, where everyone is having fun. So Theraplay uses rhythmic, relational and repetitive activities that engage all the 8 senses (not just 5!) to help the whole family learn new ways of being with each other. Theraplay engages our 5 external senses (sight, taste, touch, smell and sound) as well as our 3 internal senses (vestibular-balance, proprioceptive-body awareness and interoceptive-self-awareness of the body’s needs).
Games…Activities…Is this actually therapy?
Yes! Theraplay activities are all about attunement, not just having fun. When Theraplay therapists look at attunement, they’re looking at how you, the parent, responds to your child and vice versa. Are you both on the same page? How do you get on the same page? When there is good attunement, your child knows and feels you are going to be supportive, help them through their feelings and be willing to start the next thing with a clean slate after a meltdown. Theraplay offers a space to build those felt experiences for both you and your child, and through games, those magical moments of attunement happen naturally. But again, it’s not just games and fun…
In Theraplay, activities are focused on four dimensions that build attunement: structure, nurture, engagement and challenge.
Structure: You, the parents, are still “in charge” and in a way that your child can go along with and even enjoy. A good balance of structure and nurture really helps build trust!
Nurture: Caring for and noticing hurts (even ones that seem little to adults), saying “yes” when you can, showing your child how much you enjoy them in a way that your child feels that.
Engagement: playfulness and showing your child that you want to be there with them.
Challenge: builds confidence, raising the trickiness of an activity or the amount of structure, just enough that the child can still handle it and move on to the next thing with you.
Theraplay therapists work with kids to accept these four things from you, their parent, while helping you figure out how you can offer them in a way that your child feels comfortable and supported.
Ok, so why Theraplay?
Designed to build safe, healthy relationships between parents and their children, Theraplay is very child-focused but therapist and parent led. This means that, as your child’s parents, you become the most valuable piece in the treatment puzzle. Theraplay therapists are there guiding you every step in sessions, bringing you into activities as quickly as possible, and they support you in using what you’ve learned in sessions at home, not just in the therapy room. Theraplay is hard work for therapists and parents alike because it is so focused on making your child feel safe, known, heard and valued.
Theraplay is for kids without obvious attachment struggles too. Since we all need safe connection so much, families who participate in Theraplay-informed therapy often see improvements in many areas:
Emotion regulation
Confidence, self-esteem
Behavioral concerns
Posttraumatic stress symptoms
Oppositional defiant-like behaviors
What can I expect?
Earlier we mentioned that Theraplay is hard work for parents, and it is. But the reward is so worth it! Every therapist who uses a Theraplay-informed approach has their own style, and different therapists often blend Theraplay with other types of therapy depending on what your family needs. You may also see some differences based on what the therapist has available to them. For example, Theraplay sessions done by the book are recorded and reviewed before the next session, but this isn’t an option for everyone (and Theraplay can still be effective without it). That said, there are still some basics you can expect.
Both you and your child will be actively involved in sessions, and most of the time, you can expect to have time to meet with your therapist individually as well. Those sessions are for you, the parent, to feel heard, notice what you’re feeling in sessions and review with your therapist what’s going well and what’s not.
Another given is that games will be involved, and some of them may feel really silly. Remember what we said about learning best through fun and play? The more comfortable and playful you let yourself be and just enjoy the time with your child, the more your child becomes comfortable letting you be the one “in charge.” When you, the parent, let yourself have fun, your child becomes more willing to accept and feel that you are there, you see every part of them and you love every part of them. Playfulness is also often used to let go of big feelings that could lead to meltdowns, so your therapist will likely spend time guiding you in using playfulness at home too! That being said, your therapist wants you, the parent, to have fun too. If there are activities that are too much for you, your therapist wants to know! Your therapist may talk with you about what part of the activities is too much and change the activity or find a new one altogether. There are always new games!
Finally, we mentioned earlier that therapists often blend Theraplay with other types of therapy. That could mean doing some EMDR, more talk-based therapy, expressive therapies or even some other types. So you may not be playing games every week in therapy. Theraplay may also be a brief treatment or a beginning point to another type of therapy. You and your therapist will decide all of these things based on your family’s needs and abilities.
Interested in learning more? Wondering if Theraplay could be a good fit for you and your child? Give us a call today at 217-203-2008 to schedule an appointment.
References
https://www.attachmenttraumanetwork.org/theraplay/