How to Set Boundaries in 3 Steps
Written By: Sophie Dixon
November 22, 2024
Personal boundaries are the limits placed between ourselves and others. When we talk about healthy boundaries, we don’t mean rigid ways of shutting people out. We are focused on not stretching ourselves too thin so we can take care of ourselves mentally, emotionally, and physically. Oftentimes, we suffer due to lack of knowledge on how to set limits. As humans, we tend to be people-pleasers at our own expense. We hate disappointing people or not exceeding their expectations. When someone wants something, we are more than happy to give it to them. But are we really? It is important to know how to set proper boundaries.
Identify your physical, emotional, and mental limits.
At what point do you start to feel like a situation or interaction is uncomfortable? Do you feel you are being taken advantage of? Perhaps you’re pushing yourself beyond your limits out of guilt, or someone has crossed a boundary.
Some additional questions to ask at this stage include:
Who makes you feel uncomfortable, guilty, hurt, angry, or frustrated after spending time with them?
Do you feel overwhelmed when certain people ask for favors?
What have you done to try and control the situation in the past?
What behaviors would you like people to stop directing at you?
Do friends assume you’re comfortable with certain topics that you’re not?
Who would listen to and respect your needs?
Who would disrespect your personal space and values?
What do you want to prevent from happening in the future?
Define your personal boundaries.
If people could read your mind, how would they behave or interact with you? Typically, this isn’t an issue when people have similar personalities and communication styles to you. Those who don’t realize your boundaries are different than theirs often cross them. They need to hear directly how to best interact with you.
Complete the following sentences with at least 3 different answers (examples provided):
People may not _____________. (hug me without asking permission)
I have the right to ask for _____________. (privacy)
It is okay for me to ___________. (change my mind about something)
To prevent anxiety or depression I need ___________. (time to talk to friends)
Allow yourself to set boundaries.
For people first learning how to set firm boundaries—whether it’s with family, friends, or coworkers—this is far easier said than done. If you’re a person who pushed your boundaries too far out of feeling guilty, this is the part where you let yourself feel guilty. It will be okay. The people who care about you will adjust to your boundaries. Remember, you can change your boundaries as you see fit.
Setting expectations lets us exist comfortably.
When we set healthy boundaries, we can define our individuality. We learn to recognize that we are not responsible for everyone else’s emotions and actions, while taking responsibility for our own. We improve our autonomy, avoid burnout, and experience good mental and emotional health. This is important at home, school, work, and even with friends. Setting expectations lets us exist comfortably as an individual within each of those groups, knowing we have control within those relationships and interactions.
People who respect boundaries are good company. They can help encourage you when you have to set them with difficult people. Remember, you don’t have to set your boundaries all at once! Start with something small and less challenging, then build to some of the harder boundaries. Seek additional support when you need it and remember you deserve to set your limits!
If you’d like some outside validation that you deserve to have the boundaries you need, call us at (217) 203-2008 to schedule an appointment. Meet Sophie here.
Resources:
https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/
https://www.therapyinphiladelphia.com/tips/identifying-your-boundaries
https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
Blog Disclaimer
ChampaignCounseling.com is an informational site. The resources on this site are provided for informational purposes only, and should not be used to replace the specialized training and professional judgment of a health care or mental health care professional.
Champaign Counseling LLC cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. Please always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others.
Self-help information and information from the Internet is useful, but it is not a substitute for professional assistance. Please seek professional help immediately:
if you have thoughts of killing (or otherwise harming) yourself or others;
if you are gravely disabled (unable to care for yourself);
if you are abusing substances;
or if you or someone else is in any danger of harm.
The sole purpose of the ChampaignCounseling.com blog is to offer resources and information to those dealing with mental health issues. We cannot, and will not, assume the role of your physician or therapist.
If you are experiencing an emergency, please contact 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.