The Worst Advice Given by Parents
By Sophie Dixon
Most parents strive to be great at parenting. We want “the best” for our kids so they grow up to be successful. However, research has shown that successful kids don’t come from what has classically been doled out as parenting advice. Healthy eating habits, self-control, social skills, and compassion for others are trademarks of a “successful” child.
These skills are obtained because the children have experienced healthy relationships, decreased stressed, and authoritative parenting. Their parents held high expectations and value effort, while allowing the children to fail, make decisions, and be responsible for chores. We have learned that stress and anxiety can result from advice intended to provide encouragement and support. Here are some of the common things parents tell their kids, and what they should do instead.
Advice Parents Should Give Their Kids:
Focus on the future. Pay attention to the present.
A mind focused on the future is primed for greater anxiety and fear. Of course you should set goals, but the long-term stress of worrying about every small thing that will happen impairs health, memory, and attention. Children living in the present moment are happier, more productive, and less overwhelmed by stress.
Power through stress. Take a break.
This becomes a problem when stress just gets piled on top of stress. Our culture has become accustomed to over-caffeinating and over-working ourselves to meet high expectations. It’s not healthy, and it affects our ability to eat, sleep, and rest normally. When parents are over-worked, their kids tend to experience burnout at school.
Like the body, the brain needs to be able to relax in order to function at its best when it needs to. Yoga, meditation, mindfulness, and breathing exercises can be practiced to help put the body into a relaxed state and allow the mind to have some time away from stress. Kids benefit from being allowed to recharge.
Stay busy. Enjoy doing nothing.
Leisure time is criminally undervalued in the United States. Somewhere along the way, we adopted the mentality that we are of value as much as we are able to produce. This keeps us constantly stressed and constantly working when we should be using that time for ourselves.
Not being focused on a draining task allows the brain to roam free and make use of our creativity that would otherwise be stifled by busywork. Just like kids making up a game in a waiting room to be entertained, they may decide that calm cloud-gazing is what they need in that moment. They should be encouraged either way, so that whenever they recognize their need for downtime, they use it.
Do your best. Learn to fail.
Obviously parents never want their kids to fail. The key here is to establish permission for kids to fail. Once a kid is established as being good at something (“she’s a math person” or “he’s an artist”), their sense of perfectionism starts to build. They know they’re capable of their best. Believing that they have to achieve that every single time is incredibly stressful. Alternatively, a kid who is good at certain things may be afraid to try something new out of fear of being bad at it. Or they might decide to never try it again as soon as they realize they’re bad at it.
Allowing kids to fail sometimes helps them to try new things in the future
To grow up with healthy minds, kids need to receive unconditional love, encouragement, guidance and appropriate discipline. As we learn more about how parents can effectively set their kids up for success, it is essential that their mental health is a part of that equation.
At its most basic level, good advice comes from parents who encourage their kids to live in the moment, take breaks, and be comfortable with failure. Even with that in place, parents may notice their kids overworking themselves or becoming preoccupied with the future. This may lead to withdrawal, anxiety, aggression, poor grades, or sadness. When symptoms like these are affecting kids a great deal, seeking professional help from a professional can help intervene with the distress and establish a support system to help set the child up for a happy, healthy future.
If your teen needs help, schedule a visit with Sophie by calling (217) 203-2008. To learn more about Sophie, click here.
Resources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201707/the-worst-advice-parents-give-their-kids
https://www.businessinsider.com/how-parents-set-their-kids-up-for-success-2016-4
https://www.mhanational.org/what-every-child-needs-good-mental-health
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