We Talked About Freeze… Now Let’s Talk About Fawn
Written By: Michelle Hooks
April 19, 2024
Most people are familiar with fight or flight, and many are familiar with freeze (if you’re not, we highly recommend Emily’s post about it here). Did you know there’s a 4th trauma response? Actually, that’s controversial. Some say there’s up to at least 7, maybe more. We’re going to stick with 4 right now though because, honestly, many responses that aren’t “fight” could count as a “flight” response. If we’re not fighting the threat, we’re doing something to get away from it. But back to #4…the fawn response!
What Is Fawning?
When we are anxious or scared about something, we are hardwired to respond instantly with one of 4 trauma responses. Flight, getting away from the danger or uncomfortable situation, is usually the first option. If we can’t get away, our brain will determine for us if we can fight, which could look like standing up for ourselves or otherwise surviving the conflict this response creates. When this isn’t an option, we determine if we can handle the discomfort by just shutting down and pushing through it, the freeze response. If this isn’t going to help us, our brains will lead us to the fourth response, fawn.
The fawn response can be summed up, for the most part, with people pleasing. When fight, flight and freeze responses won’t keep us safe, we try to keep the threat happy or make ourselves likeable. We often learn this response in relationships as children, trying to keep an adult or peers satisfied with us so they won’t belittle us, hurt us or brush off our feelings.
Am I Fawning if I Like to Be Kind?
There are many differences between the fawn response and just being a kind human being. You are the best judge of which is going on for you. Find the root of your motivation. Ask yourself “why” with the persistence of a 4-year-old. Why do you do what you do? Why do you want people around you to be happy and enjoy life? Is it because you like to enjoy life and want others to experience that? Or is it because you feel safer, physically or emotionally, if the people around you are content and happy? Most people experience some discomfort with conflict, but what measure are you willing to take to avoid conflict and why?
Here's some things to look for if you think you or your child might be fawning consistently in your everyday interactions with people:
Constantly apologizing
Struggling with saying “no” or over explaining your “no”
Feeling responsible for other people’s reactions to things and emotions
Feeling emotionally blank
You consistently don’t feel “seen” by others, even in close relationships
Feeling guilty and angry all at once
You often feel you genuinely don’t have an opinion, or you agree with things you actually disagree with
Consistently setting aside your own needs, discomfort or wants for someone else’s
Kids specifically may do some of these things too, or perhaps you did as a kid:
Being super-responsible, taking on parental responsibilities
Struggling with asking for helps, needs or even having wants
Struggling with showing difficult emotions in front of others
Deactivate the Fawn Response
Recognizing patterns of using the fawn response in ourselves or in someone we love can be challenging. It’s important to remember our brains are very teachable and can learn new ways of interacting with other people, but it all starts with what we tell ourselves. If you’re wanting to take some steps to deactivate your fawn response, here are a few things you can do:
Work on accepting that you learned this pattern to survive and there’s no shame in that!
Take care of your basic needs like eating and resting
Work on accepting that feeling angry is ok and that you deserve better!
Begin to learn to give yourself compassion
This is hard work! And since it often means going back to painful memories, we don’t recommend trying to work through this alone. We know that working on relational trauma with someone else could feel even worse because…hello…trusting another person in a healthy way? But that’s why picking a safe, trustworthy person to talk with can be the best place to start. Pain that happened in relationship heals through healthy relationship, where you know you can speak freely and be heard and seen. If you’re thinking about working through some of these things, we would be honored to come alongside you. Call us at (217)203-2008 or send us an email to schedule an appointment.
Resources:
https://psychcentral.com/health/fawn-response
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/fawning/
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/02/21/rejection-trauma-and-the-freeze-fawn-response/