Non-Violent Communication
Written by: Kye Ewing
July 21, 2023
Most of us have experienced difficulty with communication in some form or another. Parents have trouble communicating with their children when they’re stressed and overwhelmed. Partners get frustrated with one another as their relationship changes and they feel increasingly disconnected. Many people feel taken advantage of or misunderstood at their workplaces. Often, when we are having trouble communicating with others, we resort to our worst tendencies and leave interactions feeling frustrated, hurt, and confused.
Marshall Rosenberg developed the principles of Nonviolent Communication to address these specific issues. While most of us likely don’t think of our communication as particularly violent, we all likely find ourselves saying things we regret or conveying what we’re trying to say in a way that escalates a situation rather than bringing about a resolution. Common examples of this include:
Criticism and judgment (“You’re so lazy/needy/annoying!”)
Comparison (“Why can’t you be more like…?”)
Generalization (“You always…!” or “You never…!”)
Defensiveness and denying responsibility (“I have to do that because you…”)
Rosenberg suggests that we take the time to slow down our communication and use a four-step process to discuss difficult subjects:
Observations: we’re so used to making judgments about others’ actions that we can have a hard time making a simple, non-judgmental observation. We might say something like “You’re ignoring me!” or “Stop yelling at me!” when what we might be observing is that our partner is looking at their phone or has changed their tone of voice. Instead, we could start with an observation like: “When I see you looking at your phone while I’m talking…” or “When I hear you start to raise your voice…”
Feelings: we often get so wrapped up in a situation or conflict that we aren’t actually aware of how we’re feeling in the moment. We might assume that conflict makes us mad or frustrated when in reality, we’re feeling hurt or overwhelmed. We can build on our observations by identifying our feelings: “When I see you looking at your phone while I’m talking, I feel hurt.”
Needs: we’ve turned the term “needy” into a pejorative term, but we all have needs! In addition to the basics (food, water, shelter, etc.), we all need connection, care, respect, acceptance, understanding, meaning - the list goes on! Most of the time, when we’re feeling an uncomfortable emotion, it is the result of an unmet need. We can build on our observations and feelings by saying: “When I see you looking at your phone while I’m talking, I feel hurt because I want to connect with you.”
Requests: when we’re upset, frustrated, confused, or angry, we might realize that we don’t actually know what we want from the other person, so it’s important to take time to reflect on what someone else could do to help you meet your needs. We might add to the above: “When I see you looking at your phone while I’m talking, I feel hurt because I want to connect with you. Would you be willing to put your phone away while we finish our conversation?” Because it’s a request (not a demand!), the other person might say no and we may have to find another way to get our needs met, but we’ve already identified what those needs are and made a good faith effort to convey them.
If the statement that we’ve constructed above sounds a little awkward or clunky, that’s because it is! Taking the time to communicate this way is not usually how we’ve learned to convey our needs and it will take time and practice to feel more comfortable incorporating observations, feelings, needs, and requests into our everyday communication, but the results are worth it! We can’t guarantee that the listener will respond well every time, but we are much more likely to get our needs met than if we had stuck with “You always ignore me!”
By the way, this doesn’t just work in difficult situations - you can use it to express appreciation, too! If the listener in the above conversation responds positively, you might take the time to say “When I saw you respond to my request by putting your phone away, I felt really valued and that helps me feel connected to you. Is there anything I can do to help you feel the same?”
If you’ve been having trouble communicating with people in your life and feel that therapy could help you find peace in your relationships, contact us to schedule an appointment!
Resources:
https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/4part_nvc_process.pdf
https://www.cnvc.org/online-learning/nvc-instruction-guide/nvc-instruction-guide
https://positive.b-cdn.net/wp-content/uploads/Using-%E2%80%9CI%E2%80%9D-Statements.pdf