Trauma and Need
Written by: Emily Beck
June 23, 2023
We’re All Just Trying to Get Our Needs Met
It can be hard for us to understand why people act the way that they do. Sometimes another person’s behaviors just do not make sense to us. What is the benefit of being rude to a barista? Why did someone start crying when the grocery store was out of gallons of 2% milk? Why does my toddler need to eat off the blue plate instead of the green plate, and why does the world seem to end if I give them the wrong color plate?
All these seemingly negative behaviors come from trying to get a need met. For many of us, that need is some measure of control over our lives. For some, it comes from not having enough earlier in our lives or being treated poorly. Whatever the reason, we behave in a way that we have learned to behave to get a need met. We talk to a friend when we need support or a social outlet. We eat when we are hungry. We might get frustrated with our partners when we perceive that they are not going to be able to meet our emotional needs. Understanding behavior from this perspective can help to make interactions with other people a whole lot less difficult.
Where does trauma factor in?
The Center For Addiction and Mental Health defines trauma as “[Trauma] is a term used to describe the challenging emotional consequences that living through a distressing event can have for an individual.” (Source https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/mental-illness-and-addiction-index/trauma)
When someone has experienced a traumatic event, depending on what the event was and what else was going on at the time, the person might completely change some of the ways that they interact with the world. This is because this person has learned that other ways of acting cannot keep them safe, so they have adjusted their behavior. To that person, these behaviors make perfect sense, but to someone without context, these behaviors may seem bizarre or even harmful.
What does this look like in behavior?
Take, for example, a person who always wants to know the exact details of an assignment before they complete it and will ask over and over for clarification. They might ask multiple people the same question, follow up a call with a text or ask someone to repeatedly check their work. Sounds like it could be annoying, right?
Now consider this: This person grew up in a household where they were yelled at whenever they weren’t doing exactly what they needed to be doing. They may have been responsible for younger siblings’ schedules, complicated household tasks, or even making sure their parents got up for work on time. If something did not go the way it was supposed to, they were blamed, or even verbally or physically abused. Knowing all the details is how they have learned to feel safe. Now their anxiety is starting to make sense, and their behavior might seem less annoying.
Here are some ways to apply this in daily interaction:
1) Approach with curiosity. When someone behaves in a confusing way, try asking questions in a non-judgmental way. Ask questions like- what made you decide to make that choice? Can you tell me more about what you mean by that?
2) Remember you don’t know the whole story. Everyone has a ton of experiences that make up who they are. We only know what we have witnessed or what that person has chosen to tell us.
3) Have compassion for yourself. Knowing that all behaviors come from a specific need does not always make interactions less difficult. Sometimes the way that someone has learned to adapt causes them to be extremely difficult to interact with. Compassion and perspective help, but you are still allowed to feel frustration or not want to spend time with someone unkind to you, even if you understand why.
Humans are complicated, and interacting with us is even more so. Even the most seemingly compassionate people in the world still get frustrated. Talking to someone about your trauma can help you to understand your behaviors better, and understanding is the first step to change.
Are you interested in learning more about yourself? Email or give us a call today at 217-203-2008 and start promoting peace from within.
References:
https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/mental-illness-and-addiction-index/trauma
https://childmind.org/article/how-trauma-affects-kids-school/#:~:text=Trauma%20can%20affect%20behavior%20in,and%20difficulty%20with%20executive%20functioning.
https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/traumatic-stress-and-human-behavior