Emotional Regulation: Where Did That Meltdown Come From?
Written By: Michelle Hooks
March 8, 2024
It’s almost the end of the day. Your child was in a good mood when you picked them up from school. They got their homework done with some struggle, but it wasn’t too bad. They’ve been playing very happily on their switch for about half an hour, and now it’s suppertime. In a split second, your content child is telling you how you’re the worst parent ever! Their world is ending. Maybe you even fixed their favorite food, but it’s not good enough. Yesterday they did just fine, even though they were a little out of sorts after school. Things are just bad out of the blue. We can write it off as a bad week, say they’re grumpy or blame the electronics. We know they have some big feelings that they’re trying to figure out too. But we haven’t looked at the whole picture until we play detective around what was happening when they were content and calm.
It can be tricky to figure out whether your child is truly emotionally well-regulated or just checked out a lot. We can all seem happy when we’re checked out playing a game or scrolling social media. But being in good control of our emotions doesn’t mean we’re calm or happy all the time or maybe even most of the time. The better regulated your child is, the more easily they can move from disappointed to happy, from play to school and even from contentment to disappointment. Healthy emotion regulation means being able to shift across the whole range of feelings without feeling too much or too little. A big piece of learning healthy emotion regulation is recognizing what “regulated” really looks like.
What could it look like?
There are of course obvious things that tell us our child is emotionally regulated in that moment, like laughing at something silly or being able to stop and ask for help when they can’t get their snack open. But there are other times it’s not so obvious. Here are some things we can mistake emotion regulation for:
Quiet play for long periods of time
Content play on electronics or watching TV
Usually being able to “talk through” big feelings quickly and be “good”
Always being carefree or go with the flow
These things aren’t an automatic cue that a child is emotionally dysregulated inside. They’re a cue to look closer to see what’s really going on. For example, a child who is quietly playing for long periods of time by themselves, even if other kids are in the room, may be lost in their own thoughts, replaying a situation that happened or so overwhelmed with feelings they’re numb.
So what about the child who talks through what they’re thinking like it was nothing? Aren’t they obviously well-regulated? They could be. We need to know what their patterns are, which we’ll talk about in a little bit. Ever heard of people who stuff down their feelings? You probably either are one of those people or know someone who does that. This is the same thing. Children who are uncomfortable with feelings can sometimes talk, usually matter-of-factly, about what happened, what they didn’t like and what they’d like to be different going forward. But if they haven’t felt the feelings, they’re still there and will come out later.
These are all some things that your child could be doing right before a big meltdown that leaves you wondering what just happened. Let’s talk about what those situations would look like if your child was emotionally regulated in those moments.
What It Really Is
We’ve already talked about what emotion regulation looks like in the big picture, so we’ll focus on what it would look like in the everyday routine:
Being able to respond appropriately to surroundings while doing things like watching TV or playing quietly (i.e. if you called your child for a snack break and they asked if they could have their snack with them instead of growling at you to bring it to them)
Being able to stop an activity to move on to the next thing and using words to express feelings about that instead of having a meltdown (i.e. it’s time to leave for an appointment and your child grumbles about being disappointed they have to finish their game when you get home, but your child is able to get their shoes on without screaming or hitting)
Being able to let someone else enter the environment of play or activity (i.e. they can let a friend join them without having to dominate the play, tell you about what they’re doing if you ask)
Acknowledging emotions without getting stuck in them for long periods of time (i.e. being able to move on from a meltdown event)
Feeling the emotions without feeling them so intensely they lead to thoughts of wanting to harm self or others or needing a way out
What Can You Do?
Meltdowns that come out of the blue are so stressful! Sometimes, they really are from a trigger in the moment, but sometimes, they did have warning signs that were easily missed. This is where we investigate and find the patterns. Discover the triggers and the responses that lead to meltdowns. Learn what really upsets your child, even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Sensory-related things and routine transitions can be significant challenges for some kids and can explain many unexpected meltdowns.
In those moments where it’s unclear whether your child is ready to engage with the world or close to a meltdown, look at their body language:
Pupils will dilate when they’re stressed
Body movements as they play may either appear stiff or limp
Eye contact with you or things outside their play will often be minimal, even when spoken to or something startling happens
Face may look blank, angry or may hold whatever emotion they’re feeling too much of
You can also help your child learn to self-regulate. Here’s a few tips on doing that:
Model for them how you know what you’re feeling. An easy place to start here is naming how you know you’re hungry, learning what your body does that tells you.
Make it a quick, routine part of your day to stop and ask yourselves or each other what you feel and need (i.e. a snack, a stretch, a hug)
Notice with your child how an activity makes them feel (i.e. energized, relaxed, frustrated), so you’ll both learn what’s relaxing for them
You’ll notice you are a big factor in your child learning how to regulate emotions on a regular basis to avoid needing to have a meltdown to let it all out. So the last tips we’ll give are just for you: offer yourself space to regulate your emotions and give yourself grace.
Maybe some of this sounds really familiar. Maybe you’ve already tried some things and are still struggling. We’re here and ready to help. Call us at (217)203-2008 or send us an email to schedule an appointment.
Resources:
https://www.simplypsychology.org/emotional-regulation.html
https://www.parentingforbrain.com/self-regulation-toddler-temper-tantrums/
https://childmind.org/article/can-help-kids-self-regulation/