Dangers of Overparenting
Written by: Erin Graham
August 4, 2023
Let's face it, there is a lot of stress not only on kids to be perfect but for parents to parent perfectly. Somewhere along the way, the message has been sent that your child’s behavior is a direct reflection of your parenting. And if you don’t do everything right, you will cause your child to fail. We know this isn’t true…..sometimes absent parents raise really great kids and sometimes parents do everything right and their kids still struggle. But the pressure is real.
Unfortunately, this pressure to raise perfect kids has led to a phenomenon called “overparenting”. According to parentingforbrain.com, “Overparenting is a parenting style marked by applying developmentally inappropriate levels of assistance to children, usually adolescents and emerging adults.” This approach involves a high level of control, involvement and overprotection in every aspect of your child’s life.
Overparenting is also known as helicopter parenting, lawn mower parenting, snow blower parenting, overprotective parenting and intensive parenting.
Parents who “overparent” often have great intentions, they want to see their children succeed. And, oftentimes, they want to be seen as a great parent.
The problem is this parenting style can lead to parents constantly monitoring their children, solving problems for their children and protecting them from failures and consequences. It can lead to parents intervening in situations that children are capable of handling on their own. When this happens, parents inadvertently send the message to their children that they are not capable on their own and therefore parents must intervene on their behalf. It also sends the message that failure is “bad” and should be avoided at all costs.
How can you tell if you are overparenting?
Here are 10 examples of overparenting
Doing child’s homework or completing school projects
Contacting your child’s teacher to ask for a better grade
Attending a job interview with your child
Contacting child’s employer to complain about a negative performance evaluation or to negotiate a raise for them
Taking over a task when your child feels a little bit stuck
Planning and micromanaging your child’s activities (including peer relationships)
Wanting to make your child happy all the time, this might including filling all their free time with activities so they are not bored
Not allowing children to make decisions such as choosing their own college or what jobs they will apply to
Filling out child’s college applications and writing their essays
Keeping the child with the parent at all times
Effects of overparenting
A 2012 study found that overparenting can lead to:
A lack of resilience
Sense of entitlement
Inadequate development of life skills
Transference of high parental anxiety
Overparenting has also been linked to:
Lower self-esteem
Ineffective coping skills
Increase in anxiety and depression
Narcissistic and entitlement behaviors
Alternative to overparenting
Parenting well can feel like trying to hit a moving target. Parental involvement and responsiveness have been linked to child success, yet too much of either can have detrimental effects to children. So how do you know how much involvement and responsiveness is too much? Where is the line in the sand?
It isn’t a one size fits all approach for children. Each child is different with a unique set of needs but in general, children do best with parents who are responsive and attentive to their needs but also have developmentally appropriate expectations of independent behavior.
So what does that look like? Parents teach behaviors and expectations and once children demonstrate mastery of those, parents transition from teachers to cheerleaders. Parents are there to offer support but know their child is capable of performing said tasks independently and expect them to do so. When children make mistakes or fail at a task, parents are there to help children figure out how to move forward.
Children then develop a sense of competence because they are able to perform tasks independently. They learn how to respond to failure and in doing so, develop coping skills. This can lead to higher self-esteem and lower rates of anxiety and depression.
If you would like help transitioning from an “overparenting” style of parenting, please contact us at (217) 203-2008 or visit our website at www.champaigncounseling.com
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