How To Talk To Kids About Anxiety
Written by: Erin Graham
August 18, 2023
The way we talk to kids about anxiety matters.
Karen Young writes “Anxiety can feel brutal for so many young people. Sometimes the adults who care about them also get caught in the tailwhip of anxiety. We wonder if we should protect our young ones from the distress of anxiety while we wish they could see how magnificent and powerful they are.
Anxiety has a way of hiding its magic under stories of disaster, (‘What if something bad happens?’) and stories of deficiency, (‘I’m not brave enough/ strong enough for this.). These stories are powerful. They drive thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
Any story we tell, or they tell, or society tells about anxiety being about breakage will continue to drive anxiety about the anxiety. This is where we, as their important adults, can support young people to feel bigger than the things that block their way.”
How do we do that? How do we support young people to feel bigger than the things that block their way?
The first step is to educate. Young people need to understand anxiety is our brain's way of checking to see if we are okay, not to tell us that we aren’t okay. This can be confusing because anxiety often feels uncomfortable and scary. But just because we feel uncomfortable and scared doesn’t mean we are in danger.
Our brains are equipped with an amygdala. The amygdala’s job is to be on alert for danger at all times. It has a very important job to keep us safe. But sometimes the amygdala can’t tell the difference between things that are actually dangerous and things that feel dangerous. It is often compared to a smoke alarm. A smoke alarm sounds the same alarm for burnt toast as it does a real fire because it can’t tell the difference. Our amygdalas are sometimes like that.
Next, we need to teach them to decide: is this scary-safe or scary dangerous? Karen Young also says “Anxiety can mean danger (scary-dangerous), but most often it will mean there is something brave or important they need to do (scary-safe). The problem is that anxiety will feel the same for both- for brave, growthful, important things (scary-safe) and dangerous things (scary-dangerous).”
Sometimes there is danger and getting safe is the exact right response. We want young people to know when and how to do that. But most of the time, there isn’t any real danger and this is an opportunity for young people to push through their fear and do something brave.
We can help them decide by asking is this scary-dangerous. Or is it scary-safe? If the answer is this is scary-dangerous then moving to safety is the priority. But if the answer is this is a scary-safe situation, then we can help them recognize that their anxiety is just an indication they are about to do something brave or important and it is safe to move forward.
Lastly, take your time, there is no rush. Just being able to recognize the difference between scary-dangerous and scary-safe is a step in the right direction. And anytime they take even one small step towards that brave thing they are about to do is progress. That deserves to be celebrated! Some days will be easier than others, and that is okay too. Anxiety is tricky and as frustrating as it is for the adults trying to help these young people, it is also frustrating for them. Stay calm, take breaks as needed but keep trying to move forward, one small step at a time.
If you need help talking to your child about anxiety or your child needs help regulating their anxiety, you can contact us by email or by phone at (217) 208-2003.
Additional information can be found at:
https://www.heysigmund.com/talk-about-anxiety/
https://www.heysigmund.com/nxiety-in-children-parents-facilitators-of-brave/