Good Days Gone Bad
Written By: Michelle Hooks
August 23, 2024
We’ve all experienced days that are just too much. The “spilled coffee, running late, forgot my phone, why do I even try, might as well give up and go back to bed” kind of days. The kind of day where a spiral happens, often triggered by something small, like spilled coffee. Our inner critics are the inventors of the spiral that starts with “oh, I didn’t mean to do that” and ends with “I am the worst person alive.”
Enter: The Inner Critic
The inner critic is generally self-critical and blames you for everything that goes wrong, whether it was in your control or not. The inner critic seemingly remembers every time you’ve messed up or someone else hasn’t been there for you. In a blink, it will remind you of something that was embarrassing when you were 5-years-old and, sometimes, make you feel every emotion from that event all over again. The inner critic can be quite the bully.
The inner critic is also the ultimate protector and often a very hurt part of ourselves. The inner critic works overtime trying to save you from every situation that could hurt you (which can literally be every situation) and tries to spare you emotions like embarrassment, rejection, disappointment, grief or anger. The inner critic wants to make sure everything will be ok by not taking risks.
However, this critical part of ourselves does this by blaming you for everything, making everything controllable by telling you it’s your fault. The inner critic often has the emotion regulation and logic of a toddler (think meltdowns over not being able to wear shoes on the wrong feet). But it has the facts, problems and experiences of an adult. It knows all the ways to hurt you but can’t see that not everything is your fault.
Enter: The Toddler
So what can you do with this toddler? Many kids in pain will readily blame adults for bad things that happen because that’s just how they understand the world, but if you comfort them, protect them and let them know you will be there for them, kids can figure it out and understand that you really did your best. The inner critic is much the same!
The inner critic acts like a bully because it’s so scared. It’s afraid of everything it has imagined will happen, even though most of it probably won’t actually happen. Often, the inner critic needs to know that you accept it, it belongs with you and will be safe with you. Here are some ways to show this to your inner critic:
Welcome the inner critic’s feelings without judgment
Listen to the inner critic (without agreeing!)
Thank the inner critic for trying to keep you safe
Let it know you are able to handle the situation in a better way
Tell your inner critic and yourself what you would tell a friend that is trying to do the right thing (i.e. “I know you’re doing your best,” “everything isn’t perfect, but you are loved,” or “here’s how I would like to help this situation if it’s ok with you”)
Develop a more helpful narrative
Enter: Your Best Friend
The inner critic’s dialogue is often deeply rooted and will easily fill silence. Creating a narrative that is based on facts with real examples and truths about your value is perhaps more difficult than calming the inner critic. Friends and loved ones can sometimes help build that narrative, but making it an inner dialogue is just as important. The inner critic often struggles to accept an alternative dialogue, but with support, it can learn to. The supportive dialogue often sounds like something our best friend would tell us. It’s helpful, encouraging and often more truthful than what the inner critic would like us to believe. Some starting points might be:
The opposite of what the inner critic says (i.e. you’re a horrible human vs you’re human trying your best)
Something with more context (i.e. that person hates you vs they were probably having a bad day too)
Simple reassurance that things will be ok, even if they aren’t perfect
Reminders that people do care about you and that they’re human too
It is a process to accept your inner critic and help it listen to a more realistic, kinder narrative, but it is very possible. Whether you’ve been working on this a while or don’t know where to start, a therapist can be a good guide to have along the way, especially on the days the inner critic is the loudest. Call us at (217)203-2008 or send us an email to schedule an appointment.
References
https://positivepsychology.com/inner-critic-worksheets/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/human-inner-dynamics/202312/understanding-the-inner-critic
https://psychcentral.com/lib/working-with-your-inner-critic#1