Finding Coping Skills That Actually Work
Written By: Michelle Hooks
October 18, 2024
I’m sure you’ve had times where you just didn’t know what you wanted to eat or didn’t know what you’re feeling (or not feeling), and probably times where you didn’t know why you felt a certain way. Sometimes we don’t know what we need to feel better, and sometimes our usual coping skills just don’t feel like they’re helping enough. Let’s build on commonly known coping skills, such as breathing, and think about the basics of coping skills. If you’re needing to add something new to your box of coping skills, are stuck with finding some good ones or your old ones aren’t working anymore, keep reading.
Roadmap Review
Brains are known for their ability to think, but our brains can do so much more. Think of your brain as having different levels. On the first two floors, is the “reptilian” brain or brainstem, which manages and relays most things physical (heart rate, breathing, sweating, autonomic nervous system, sleep, appetite, etc.) to the higher levels of the brain. Information from these 2 floors first pass through the limbic system, the 3rd floor. The limbic system handles any feelings associated, even loosely sometimes, with any of the physical activity being directed and registered in the brainstem. All of this information then gets passed up to the cortex, where thoughts, explanations, rewards, problem-solving strategies and beliefs are formed. The cortex creates thoughts and beliefs based on the information it receives from the lower levels of the brain.
Thus, if you’re sweating and your heart is racing, the brainstem may send that information up to the limbic system, and it could be interpreted as fear or danger. Sometimes this would bypass the cortex to create a plan of escape to safety, but otherwise, the cortex is then being told there is danger somewhere. And it will find it and find a solution to find safety again. The cortex then sends everything back down each level, which can either calm things down some or escalate feelings and body sensations. The caveat to the system is that sometimes levels go “offline,” when we’re overwhelmed, and make it impossible to send messages to those levels. This is what happens in a flashback. Until the person experiencing a flashback is grounded back to reality, the cortex or rational thinking part of the brain simply isn’t able to influence much of what’s going on, depending on the intensity of the flashback.
Sensory-based coping
And all this leads us to the power of sensory-based coping. Sometimes, this can feel like it’s just for kids, but hear me out. If everything the cortex receives comes through the brainstem, where all our senses answer to, what we touch, see, hear, smell and taste really does make a difference in our emotions, thoughts and beliefs. Some coping does have to happen in the cortex, but if we never include our limbic system or brainstem in that process, it’s easy to get stuck in “I know it in my head, but it doesn’t feel true.”
When I work with people on coping skills, I like to frame it in terms of energy. Here are some questions that can guide you in figuring out what you need:
Where is my energy level at right now?
Do I need to have more energy or less energy than I have right now?
What things around me will give me that?
You don’t have to have fancy fidgets to do this, and you don’t have to have a literal box of coping things, although this is very helpful for kids. Maybe the blanket on your couch is really soft and gives you less energy, and maybe the smell of lemon dish soap is alerting and gives you more energy. Perhaps having music in the background gives you more or less energy depending on the song and your mood. Sensory-based coping is less about how something has worked in the past and more about what you really need right now in the moment.
And then, it can be helpful to ask yourself about feelings and thoughts, knowing that you may need to circle back to sensory-based coping in the process to maintain an energy level that’s helpful. It is frustrating to finally know what we need but not be able to get or accept it. For example, maybe someone you love is angry and needs a hug, but they’re too upset (they’re energy level is too high) to be able to accept that hug. The feelings (limbic system) of safety and calm sometimes can’t engage well until the body (brainstem) has the ability to register touch or interaction with someone as something safe. That person may need things to bring their energy level down before they can work on thinking and feeling differently.
Know Yourself
Everything we’ve talked about so far requires us to have skill in using interoception. Interoception is simply the ability to pay attention to your internal physical processes. Fundamentally, interoception is how we know when we need to get a drink, get up and stretch, eat a snack or take a bathroom break. But it also includes our ability to notice what we feel in our bodies when we are stressed, sad or feeling loved. Physical experiences are often the first signs of an emotion to show up but can be almost the last that some people notice. But to be able to respond differently to things, we have to take inventory of our energy levels and evaluate what we need.
We will continue this discussion of coping in another post. As a therapist, it is easy for me to talk with someone about using their coping skills, but I know it is a complex thing. It isn’t always as easy as “willing yourself” to use them. However, I also know they are a critical part of your healing journey, so it’s worth spending the time to understand why they’re hard and why they might not be working. If you’d like to work on building your coping skill set or your interoception skills, we would be honored to come alongside you in that process. Call us at (217)203-2008 or send us an email to schedule an appointment.
References:
https://www.theottoolbox.com/alert-program-self-regulation-program/
https://www.complextrauma.org/complex-trauma/path-to-recovery/
https://healthforlifegr.com/bruce-perry-neurosequential-model/