“Can You Just Tell Me What To Do?”
Written By: Dana Baker
July 12, 2024
This is a question that is commonly asked, in many ways, within the therapy room. Sometimes, there is understandable frustration when your therapist responds with a version of, “Can you tell me how you are feeling about it?”, rather than giving their advice.
Whether you are a friend, a colleague, or a client, here are a few of the reasons why a therapist may steer clear of jumping to providing a straightforward answer to this type of question:
1. We might get it totally wrong – Therapists fall into the exact same traps as everyone else because we are undeniably also human. Our ability to make decisions comes from practice (and plenty of mistakes) with understanding ourselves, our values, our context, and our goals. While your therapist has almost certainly had plenty of decision-making experience and learning across their lifetime, all that experience has been within the context of their own self.
While therapists are practiced in accessing empathy, the reality is that while we may strive to practice putting ourselves in other people’s shoes, we are never actually in their shoes. Our training is in supporting the process, not in being an expert on what is best for everyone. If we tell someone what to do, there is certainly a risk that we take a swing and absolutely miss because this steps beyond our role.
2. We might get it right – This seems like a good thing on the surface, right? If your therapist gets it right, then what is the harm in them making the decision for you? The first problem with “getting it right” is that the only person who can make that determination is the person who the decision ultimately impacts. Assuming we could make a better decision for someone else is not fair to that person and removes their agency to make the best decision for themselves.
Seeking to support the autonomy, wisdom, and strength of our clients is a foundational piece of being a therapist. It is important for therapists to be mindful of the inherent power dynamics that can pop up in a provider/client relationship and to be cautious to take steps in our work that diminish the possibility of harm, rather than steps that place us on a pedestal. Your therapist is an expert in supporting you, but not an expert about you – even if we might make a good call, if we decide for someone else that is taking something important away from them.
3. It is rarely so simple as “right or wrong” – Often, there are more than just two starkly different choices at a given decision point. Meaning, many decisions fall somewhere in a gray area. When we can move away from black and white thinking, we may find that we have more than two choices and that decisions are not always entirely “right” or “wrong”. Even decisions that seem “right” can come with loss, and decisions that we later assess as “wrong” may teach us too.
While this complicates things, embracing the gray area gives us the space to be kinder and gentler with ourselves as we make choices, and openness to the ongoing learning that comes with decision-making.
4. Giving Advice isn’t actually all that helpful. - How many people in your life have given you advice? And how much of that advice has been good? And of the good advice you’ve received, how much has really helped you? How much have you taken and applied? And what have the results been? You might be surprised to realize how rarely you’ve been given good advice that you applied and that actually made a significant impact on your life. While practical advice can be helpful at times, the kind of life advice we most want almost never helps, even when it’s insightful.
The truth is, we don’t really work that way. We look for answers all the time, but we also constantly bat away and reject the answers we receive. Why do we do that? Because life demands we find our own way to our own truths. Wisdom can only be gained from experience. We must test things out first before we really know. At best, advice can give us ideas for what to try. But it can also steer us away from paths that might be worth taking. So many people give advice that isn’t well-informed. People are giving you advice all the time. Therapists are among the few people that realize they’re not really qualified to give general life advice. They’re aware of the tremendous complexity of each human life and know that what looks obvious to an outsider often isn’t. They know there’s usually more to the story. And they know even good advice doesn’t help as much as people think it does.
5. Giving advice is the opposite of therapy. – Giving advice goes against the purpose of therapy, which is to help you get to know yourself better. Therapy has more than just one purpose. It treats mental health conditions. It helps with personal growth. It untangles knots in your relationships. But the way it does all of that is by giving you more self-knowledge.
Therapy helps you understand how your mind works. It teaches you how to engage with it-how to question it and not always believe what it tells you so that you’re not limited to responding to life from old patterns, trauma, defenses, anxiety, or depression. Your therapist will sometimes help you build your problem-solving muscles by reasoning through things with you- but the main focus is helping you deal with the symptoms or emotional issues that short-circuit the problem-solving process.
Therapists can at times be viewed through an “all-knowing” lens, but the reality is that we very rarely have “the answer”. Your therapist cannot “just tell you what to do” because answering that question for you takes away an opportunity for growth and self-determination.
What therapists can offer is support in identifying what is most important to you, an empathetic and compassionate lens, and perhaps some tools to help you consider your options. After you have practiced with making your decision, we will also be there to support you with whatever comes next.
Start your healing journey with the help of one of our therapists by contacting us at 217-203-2008 or info@champaigncounseling.com
References:
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/do-therapists-tell-you-what-to-do
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone By: Lori Gottlieb